last time i wrote i was probably about 3-4 weeks into the semester, and here i providing anyone who reads this with another fun entry, three weeks from the end of this term. thank goodness. just one more week of tests and assignments, another week of classes, and then finals. i'm glad that i only have 2 finals to take.. multivariable calc and java.. boo.

so wow where to begin? this semester has been far more difficult than i could have ever imagined. i've been really stressed out and anxious throughout most of the term. but yah.

umm i dropped micro, and was/am kind of upset about it. i mean i made it through about halfway but my grades were suffering so tremendously that i had to make that difficult decision. and while it's not that big of a deal, i feel behind now and am concerned that i won't be able to take all the classes i want to next semester. but of course, i have to take micro again since a requirement for my major and a prerequisite for the accounting class i want to take.

chrissy visited me a few days before spring break. it was great to show her a bit of wut my life is like here. i think she was scared/bored to death during my classes, but overall it was such a priceless weekend. i loved it.

i turned 19 earlier this month. i feel so old and can't believe that i'm freaking in college. i remember being my brother's age and thinking that people in college were so old. buttttt i did get to see MAROON 5 in concert at BU! sooo psyched and had such a fabulous time.

during campus preview weekend, i kind of was in shock that a complete year had gone by since i had first really experienced MIT. sadly, i envied the prospective freshmen's enthusiam and idealism when it came to this place. i remember getting so excited about this place and really believing that i could love this place. hopefully, sophomore year will be more fulfilling. things can change, and i can change too.

i went to see "phantom of the opera" at the opera house in boston w/reesie and mariam. i was disappointed.. perhaps because i've seen it on broadway, listen to the music so often, and have heard so many versions of the songs. but i got a phantom tshirt that has a glow in the dark mask on it. how fun.

i have a summer job! i will be working as an intern at the international securities exchange (www.iseoptions.com) in the financial district in nyc. i'm interning in the change and configuration department and it's mostly an administrative job, but i am sooo psyched about it, especially because i need a paying job and i think i will learn a lot from this experience. but, i need to buy more business attire and shoes.

speaking of shopping, two weeks ago, my friends and i went on this shopping extravaganza. i bought so much stuff and am now deathly afraid to spend money now that i've seen my account balance. but i got 8 new shirts, 5 pairs of flippies, new makeup, 3 cds, and new headphones! yah, i kind of went crazy.

i'm thinking about one or two summer classes, in addition to working at ise. i feel as though i need to make up for the fact that i dropped micro and kind of want to a graduation requirement, perhaps a humanities or communication requirement. i've thought about columbia, and possibly living there but i doubt that's going to happen. housing itself is around 2200 and MIT's ridiculous tuition has hardly left us swimming in money. maybe i can take something at a school closer to home but then i have to deal w/making sure credits transfer and all that stupid business.

i want this semester to end already, but am not sure that i want to go home. it's hard living two lives, one in nj and one at MIT, and they are nearly impossible to combine. i'm not sure that i'm the same person in both places. college has significantly changed a lot of my views.. for example, i'll admit that i think i've become more elitist since i've come here. i don't know how i feel about that.

yay for making pizza today. mine was super yummy. it's time for me to go to bed.

i'm beginning the fifth week of spring semester. looking back, this semester is flying by fairly quickly. i'm taking microeconomics, java programming, physics (e&m), and calc ii.

last week was really stressful and tiring. i had two tests AND mastering physics (oh physics) on tuesday (badness all around), a test on thursday, and two problem sets due on friday. and my favorite part was working until 4am with tracy on our java problem set and then deciding to take a nap that began as a 30 min nap.. and wound up to be nearly 4 hours. and then of course sleeping through calc during my lunch break.. running to make it to java at 3 and then when i'm almost there.. i realize i forgot my physics problem set due at 4pm.. and of course java ends at 4:30 so i have to go ALL THE WAY BACK to my dorm room, go hand in my physics problem set and go to java. yay for being 30 minutes late. so then after programming class i came back and slept again. if only life were a bed

i'm trying to figure out what to do this summer. i need to find a real job but it's hard to because i'm only a freshman and have little/no knowledge and work experience.

i'm getting old and it honestly scares me. sometimes i feel like my emotional growth and exploration is put on hold while i tend to my academic priorities. i guess it's not even though it feels like it is.

in micro, we're learning about risks. people who are risk-averse, risk-loving, and risk-neutral. and while we focus more on how that affects people's spending and investments, it makes me take a look at myself. i don't think i take enough risks. and i know that.

growing apart from people is inevitable. but it saddens me.

i'm going to sleep in my comfy bed- the one that everyone now comes over to sleep in.

well despite my beliefs, i've survived my first semester of MIT. after countless hours of studying for my chemistry exam, i have emerged victorious: i passed chemistry. and by such a slight margin too. test grades in the 50s and a painful 3 hour final did not exactly let me think that passing was possible. the class that has made my life a living hell for the past 3.5 months is finally over. to be honest with you, my fall term has been much more challenging and taxing than i had ever imagined. prior to this fall, i had thought that the stories of grueling schedules and the seemingly impossible assignments were greatly exaggerated. i mean, sure, eventually you fall into a rhythm and learn to work efficiently. and eventually the work does becomes manageable. but i'm not sure that mode that i turn down on fridays and turn back up on sundays is something that i like. but i suppose we all have no choice and are forced to do this if we hope to survive.

i'm finally home and these two days alone have been so revealing. for the first time in what feels like so long, i've been able to stop for more than just a few hours to sit, think, and relax. not having the lingering burden of work has made me so much happier. these mere two days of complete laziness and indulgence have surprisingly brought some realizations about myself, my expectations, my future, and my relationships.

i think i've developed this cynical and pessimistic attitude towards relationships in general. and the strange thing is that i think part of this stems from a visit to my neighbor's church. the speaker talked about how men are mortal and i started thinking about how relationships are so delicate and transient. to be honest, i question whether our experiences with disappointment, anger, and sadness are worth it in the end. i mean in the end most of the friendships we make and the relationships we form, people who promise us a lifetime of support or even just companionship, they all fade or die away eventually, don't they? so i guess my question is, if such bonds are destined to eventual extinction, why do we invest so much into them? do we participate in such exchanges for that temporary feeling of fulfillment, excitement, being needed or whatever? wouldn't it make so much more sense to just avoid such exchanges? my point is, people disappoint. and they will over and over again. so why subject yourself to that? is being alone such a bad thing?

i keep thinking about my future and i envision myself in what seems to be such an unattainable life/lifestyle. and of course, where would these dreams be without several doses of self-doubt? i mean, i keep thinking about the fact that there are so many passionate, hard-working, and bright people out there that have similar goals. what makes me think that i can compete with these incredible people? me and my compulsive behavior, weirdness, and insecurities? ahhhh.

anyway, i'm just feeling so frustrated and am finding it difficult to identify and sort out my emotions. i'll probably look at this entry in a while and realize that it's all bs. my antisocialness is clearly shining through, but for now, this venting feels good.

so hulloooo

i realize that instead of spending who knows how long uploading pictures onto my computer that i should be studying for my finals.. but i didn't haha.. so i'll share some of them when i can figure out how to get them on here lol.

 anyway, going home for thanksgiving produced a lot of mixed feelings. the thanksgiving game was something i was kind of dreading.. i really thought that seeing all those people from hs was going to be weird.. and it was in some cases but in other cases it wasn't. i mean how many time can i answer the question "so, how's college?" haha.

it's almost astonishing when i realize that my family has gone on without me. i've had this discussion with other people but it's strange to imagine that my parents and brother have established a routine and way of living without me. and then it makes me wonder if i'll ever move back into that house for an extended period, summers excluded.

so wut else did i do when i went home? i ate LOTS of food.. mmm.. spent a lot of time with my mom. it made me realize how much i miss her and depend on her. i take her and the rest of my family for granted and i feel selfish for doing so. to be honest, i sometimes imagine that i am selfish for leaving them. i know that kind of sounds stupid because i really had no choice, but still.

i went christmas shopping with chrissy and dianna and i had a really great time. it felt good to feel so comfortable again and yet the ease of our friendships was such a startling contrast between my relationships at school.

the weekend was too short and my dread of returning to MIT increases each time i'm forced to return. i'm coming home either on the 16th or 17th.. after my finals tear me apart. i can't wait.